Things were rather harsh for me this winter, weather-wise and personally. Between November and January, I was seized with countless anxiety attacks. I was always depressed, though I couldn't always find a reason why. I'm not blaming anyone. I just felt depressed. Maybe it was the weather. Maybe it was something within me.
But the cruel winter of '10 has finally passed! Spring says hello. To tell you the truth I've never cared much about spring. To tell you the truth, I'm really digging spring this year.
I've always hated spring with a passion because of my allergies and the bugs and stuff like that Yet, after this painful, grueling winter, I learned to appreciate the sun, the daffodils, and even the pollen in the air. After being in so much pain for such a long time, I had finally found joy.
But I'm not here to share my drama with you. I just wanted to tell you that this spring weather is lovely. That's it really. And I also learned something else, something that assures me every time I think about it. I now understand why pain exists in the world. Pain, and other forms of suffering serve to inculcate people with the understanding of love and warmth. I used to hate pain and fantasized about a painless life; how great it would be to never have to mend a broken heart or experience bitter failure or lose a loved one, how great it would be to never have to worry about war, famine, and death. I look back to these past few months and realize how reactive and superficial I had been with my thinking.
In the past, I'd bitterly attack friends that I thought were insincere. I'd insult people whom I judged as foolish and incompetent. Now I regret having been so bitter and cynical for these past few months. Now I ask myself, who am I to judge people in general? Why do I criticize people when I'm full of holes myself? I've only lived for 16 years on this planet. I have so much more to learn.
I can't change people. I can't change society. The least I can do is to take what the world offers and make the best out of it. I have friends who think that battling the system is evading responsibility. Not true. That's exactly what the system wants you to do. Because it doesn't matter a rat's ass to the system if a student fails. There are plenty of replacements.
I hate antagonizing people. I mean, life's way too short to be angry all the time and blame everyone for all of your troubles. You won't gain anything if you go around insulting people all the time like me. I thought that attacking and criticizing would bring people to their senses, but hey I've said it once and I will say it again: I can't change people. I attempted to this once. It brought me more pain. I learned it the hard way.
The winter season changed me into a more understanding and perceptive individual. But I'm afraid I've become somewhat insensitive. For instance I get sick of listening to people rant about petty things quite easily. I can't stand girlfriend/boyfriend arguments and the typical high school drama bullshit anymore. I know I sound like a self-centered bastard right now, and to tell you the truth I am, but after my revelation, I no longer care about those things. Oh don't get me wrong. I certainly care about people, but I choose not to be swept in to the circle and become another reactive adolescent.
People say I am pretentious because I say these things. I will be honest, I am. I actually have a huge ego. But I consider mine a legitimate ego. Not the one that is derived from superficiality and arrogance (usually the ego that most teenagers possess), but one that is established on experience and rationality.
I feel much better when I admit my negative traits. It's better than acting "fake".
Anyway, I'm beginning to digress and my writing is awful right now. Forgive me. I've been on a blog-writing sabbatical without leave.
What I want to say is, we can't appreciate peace without war. We can't feel happy without knowing what if feels like to be sad. We can't understand what it's like to be warm without cold. We can't discern kindness from contempt if the latter didn't exist. Therefore, we cannot live in this world if we wish it to be completely pain-free. We need pain. We gain experience from pain. It's good medicine for a complacent world. The only way to escape pain is to die, and I believe the majority of us would like to stay alive, no?
So stop fighting and ranting and shouting to defeat pain. Doing so would be equivalent to supporting a lost cause. Accept it. Live with it. Things always get better after all.
