Saturday, April 10, 2010

The Death of a God

The pianist died.  No one knew how.  Some suspected foul play.  Others suggested suicide.  But one thing for certain was that the death of 23-year old Zachary Mortenbaum was far from normal.  Not a scratch could be found on the body.  No blood had been shed. The police could not find the murder weapon within the vicinity of the crime scene nor could they trace any usual suspects. There was one thing however, that suggested that some extraneous factor had taken the young pianist's life; his pupils were gone.

An orchestral conductor who had once looked into the eyes of Zachary Mortenbaum exclaimed, "Those aren't the eyes of a man!  They are of God!"  And this was no mere adulation.  Mortenbaum's eyes indeed had radiated with a god-like aura.  His golden-brown irises and sharply defined eyebrows were reminiscent of Hermes.  His affirmative and charming stage presence captivated audiences and critics around the world and captured the hearts of many aspiring young musicians.  There had also been a rumor in which a beautiful violin student from Juiliard fainted after throwing a cursory look into Mortenbaum's eyes.  No one could corroborate that such incident had taken place, but the fact that Mortenbaum possessed divine charisma and virtuosity remained incontrovertible until his death.  

The dark circles where his pupils had once remained were now enveloped by the golden-brown irises.  This made Mortenbaum look like a vampire.  Yes, Mortenbaum did resemble a vampire in certain ways.  He was handsome, but a bit gaunt and pale.  His fingers were long and delicate and his jet black hair was always combed to the side so that his bangs fell mostly to the right-side of his face.  When he played the piano, the whole world stood still.  No one could ever play as beautifully as he could.  Melodies would literally drip from his fingers as he commanded the Grand to submit to his will completely.  He was only 4 when he gave his first public performance.

From then on, Mortenbaum appeared on every prestigious musical competition known to men.  And won them all.  His father  worked little Mortenbaum to near death, forcing him to practice 18 hours a day, only allowing him to take breaks for meals.  When the child begged his father for a respite, the cruel man beat him savagely.

When Mortenbaum turned 14, the world knew that it had conceived the most brilliant pianist of the century.  He was a regular at Carnegie Hall and performed with internationally renown orchestras including the Berliner Philharmoniker and the Chicago Symphony.  Fame had made Mortenbaum a rich teenager.  Yet his father appropriated the pianist's earnings and forced him to acquire even more well-paying venues.  

At age 19, Mortenbaum recorded his 4th album, a Rachmaninoff piano concerto.  It went on to become one of the best selling classical albums of all time.  His father at the moment was a rich man himself, because he had completely drained the pianist of his savings.  

Mortenbaum then decided that he had had enough with his father.  He filed a lawsuit against his father for child abuse and theft.  He won the case.  As his father was dragged away from the court to start a new life in jail, he cursed his son, "You are nothing without me!  I gave you that fucking piano!  I gave you life!  I gave you your whole fucking life and this is how you repay me?!"

Mortenbaum afterwards was so depressed that he cancelled his upcoming tour in Russia and retreated to his summer home in San Fransisco.  He then disappeared from the classical scene and remained reclusive for the next two years.  No one knew what happened to him during this time.  The police speculate that Mortenbaum began harboring suicidal thoughts at this time of his life when his existence became virtually evanescent.  

But then he came back.  A 23 year-old Mortenbaum came back on stage after two years of living as a recluse.  His comeback concert at Carnegie Hall was a full house.  His repertoire included Beethoven's 5th Piano Concerto and Shostakovich's Piano Concerto in C minor.  When he finished playing, the crowd went wild.  Mortenbaum was given a standing ovation from nearly everybody in the hall.  Shouts of "Bravo!" and "Encore!" refused to dissipate even after the pianist had left the stage for the night.  Critics said that this concert was the highlight of Mortenbaum's career and that Mortenbaum was destined to lead the musical world to greatness and prosperity.  However, Zachary Mortenbaum never had the chance to accept such honors.  In two days, he was found dead in his apartment.

As a coroner, I can't say for sure just what exactly killed Zachary Mortenbaum.  Maybe all the fame and renown was too much for him to handle.  Or was it because his father's curse haunted him to death?  Who knows.  I for one thing, have never gone to a Mortenbaum concert before.  I confess, I am a philistine when it comes to the arts.  But is it really my fault?  My parents never took me to a concert before, let alone take me to a kiddie show.  They would always tell me, "James, remember.  Work always comes before play".  And I've kept that promise since I was 5.  Now I look at myself and realize that I'm just a coroner.  And the young man I am examining was a god.  

With the help of a colleague, I gently lifted the delicate frame of Zachary Mortenbaum from the carpeted floor and placed him in the body bag.  Then I took hold of the zipper and drew it slowly downwards.  I watched as the zipper closed over the pale face of the divine pianist, forever covering those golden irises that had once mesmerized the world.  Before the zipper clicked shut and sealed the body of the young god, I thought I saw his pupils reemerge.  Then I thought, Look Jim, he's only a corpse.  So I dismissed the fact that there was still some hope for the reincarnation of Zachary Mortenbaum.  Although I had never been to any of his concerts, I felt a tinge of sadness as my colleague and I carried the bag on a stretcher and took the elevator to the lobby where the ambulance was waiting.  My colleague got onto the vehicle first.  He pulled the stretcher upwards as I held onto the back.  The body bag was in place.  I got on.  The doors shut.  Then the ambulance pulled off the driveway and we were off.  
      



"I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all.  Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around...nobody big, I mean, except me.  And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff.  What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff...I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to  come out from somewhere and catch them.  That's all I'd do all day.  I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all."  -Holden Caulfield
                                                                                                                                            

Friday, April 2, 2010

somebody to love

Can anybody find me
sombeody to love

Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love
Could it be anybody?
I just need someone to love

There's gotta be somebody for me out there

When everybody loves me
I will never be lonely

Don't you think that you need somebody?
Don't you think that you need someone?
Everybody needs someone
You're not the only one

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

After the Blizzard...

The harsh, cruel winter of '10 has finally passed.  Spring says hello.  I'm liking this weather.

Things were rather harsh for me this winter, weather-wise and personally.  Between November and January, I was seized with countless anxiety attacks.  I was always depressed, though I couldn't always find a reason why. I'm not blaming anyone.  I just felt depressed.  Maybe it was the weather.  Maybe it was something within me.  

But the cruel winter of '10 has finally passed!  Spring says hello.  To tell you the truth I've never cared much about spring.  To tell you the truth, I'm really digging spring this year.  

I've always hated spring with a passion because of my allergies and the bugs and stuff like that  Yet, after this painful, grueling winter, I learned to appreciate the sun, the daffodils, and even the pollen in the air.  After being in so much pain for such a long time, I had finally found joy.

But I'm not here to share my drama with you.  I just wanted to tell you that this spring weather is lovely.  That's it really.  And I also learned something else, something that assures me every time I think about it.  I now understand why pain exists in the world.  Pain, and other forms of suffering serve to inculcate people with the understanding of love and warmth.  I used to hate pain and fantasized about a painless life; how great it would be to never have to mend a broken heart or experience bitter failure or lose a loved one, how great it would be to never have to worry about war, famine, and death.  I look back to these past few months and realize how reactive and superficial I had been with my thinking.  

In the past, I'd bitterly attack friends that I thought were insincere.  I'd insult people whom I judged as foolish and incompetent.  Now I regret having been so bitter and cynical for these past few months.  Now I ask myself, who am I to judge people in general?  Why do I criticize people when I'm full of holes myself?  I've only lived for 16 years on this planet.  I have so much more to learn.

I can't change people.  I can't change society.  The least I can do is to take what the world offers and make the best out of it.  I have friends who think that battling the system is evading responsibility.  Not true. That's exactly what the system wants you to do.  Because it doesn't matter a rat's ass to the system if a student fails. There are plenty of replacements.

I hate antagonizing people.  I mean, life's way too short to be angry all the time and blame everyone for all of your troubles.  You won't gain anything if you go around insulting people all the time like me.  I thought that attacking and criticizing would bring people to their senses, but hey I've said it once and I will say it again: I can't change people.  I attempted to this once.  It brought me more pain.  I learned it the hard way. 

The winter season changed me into a more understanding and perceptive individual.  But I'm afraid I've become somewhat insensitive.  For instance I get sick of listening to people rant about petty things quite easily.  I can't stand girlfriend/boyfriend arguments and the typical high school drama bullshit anymore.  I know I sound like a self-centered bastard right now, and to tell you the truth I am, but after my revelation, I no longer care about those things.  Oh don't get me wrong.  I certainly care about people, but I choose not to be swept in to the circle and become another reactive adolescent.  

People say I am pretentious because I say these things.  I will be honest, I am.  I actually have a huge ego.  But I consider mine a legitimate ego.  Not the one that is derived from superficiality and arrogance (usually the ego that most teenagers possess), but one that is established on experience and rationality.

I feel much better when I admit my negative traits.  It's better than acting "fake".

Anyway, I'm beginning to digress and my writing is awful right now.  Forgive me.  I've been on a blog-writing sabbatical without leave. 

What I want to say is, we can't appreciate peace without war.  We can't feel happy without knowing what if feels like to be sad.  We can't understand what it's like to be warm without cold.  We can't discern kindness from contempt if the latter didn't exist.  Therefore, we cannot live in this world if we wish it to be completely pain-free.  We need pain.  We gain experience from pain.  It's good medicine for a complacent world.  The only way to  escape pain is to die, and I believe the majority of us would like to stay alive, no?

So stop fighting and ranting and shouting to defeat pain.  Doing so would be equivalent to supporting a lost cause.  Accept it.  Live with it.  Things always get better after all.


Saturday, March 20, 2010

When your life is coming down around you
It really helps to have people who care about you

"Whenever this world is cruel to me, I've got you to help me forgive..."

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

i'm so happy

because

i made someone a birthday card

and it made him happy

Monday, March 1, 2010

omg srsly

like omg that has to be a joke
no really
OMG WHAT
TELL ME
NO SERIOUSLY
are you for REAL?
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

so yeah
I went to my first real sleepover two days ago
it was the classic
rows and rows and rows of girls in their sleeping bags carpeting the basement floor
maybe an aerial view would have shown some sort of subconcious pattern
but I wasn't on the ceiling
so it just seemed like randomly strewn lumps of people to me

there was a movie playing
I didn't see a single scene of it
you go to the movies to watch movies
at a sleepover, you have to whisper whisper whisper shriek whisper until 3 o'clock in the morning
duh

that's what I did
I'll admit
OMGOMG SERIOUSLY NO TELL ME YOU'RE KIDDING NO WAY WHAAAATTT
is all you could hear
but
if you knew how to listen
you would hear more
well there's this guy I really like but...
it may have sounded like stupid shallow talk about boys
but
if you knew how to listen
you would hear about nights spent sleepless in tears
anguish endured every day as raw wounds are torn open again and again
the resilience of a downtrodden hope
broken hearts being picked up and pieced back together
the courage it takes to care about someone else
don't cry, honey, it's okay, really, it's gonna be okay...
it may have sounded like empty cliche
but
if you knew how to listen
you would hear understanding
the shared pain that every girl has suffered
endless support, a network of friendhip to fall back on
true caring beyond giggling and chatter
love that is unconditional
well I really like him but basically I hate guys...
it may sound like a dumb oximoron
but
if you knew how to listen
you would hear the terror and confusion
frustrated feelings crushed under self control
self-denial creating a walled-up heart steeped in bitterness
tentative stirrings, disturbing because they shake down all those defenses
the green shoot of love that refuses to die
it will work out, I really believe it, don't be afraid, we're here for you...

in the dark basement
flickering screen in the background
muted voices of other girls floating lazily by
the lingering scent of bagel pizza
lying in a warm cocoon
surrounded by so much love
I believed it too
I believed it would work out
I believed in happily ever after