Freedom or the Mental Chemistry of A Highly Aggravated Adolescent

I am never free.  I go to school and I feel as if all the so-called "educators" are trying to render my personal insight into meaningless jargon.  I walk the hallways with this strange chill lurking on my shoulders, as if a sinister entity is scrutinizing my every move.  I talk to "friends" and all they do is inhibit my expressions and frank opinion by suppressing my image and forcing me to adopt a victimized sentiment.  By the end of the day, I feel pretty worn out, and just when I think the worse is over when I step into my abode, my parents waste no time in initiating their every day routine of tormenting me with their authority.  They watch my every move and make me feel as if I've done something wrong.

I've gotten used to this though.  I just don't care anymore about what my parents, peers and teachers have to say about me.  They think it's good advice.  To me, it's manipulation.

Do not ask me why I feel this way.  I don't always have to have a reason why people look like shit.  I am not asking for people to change themselves for my own satisfaction.  I've given up on that.  A friend of mine told me that "a piece of shit will always be shit, no matter how much you yell, scream, and vent at it".  This is possibly one of the greatest advice given to me by a friend.

I have a lot of friends, but for the majority of these "friends" I strictly withdraw my genuine compassion.  See, I am not an advocate of unconditional friendship.  It is a very irksome flaw, because so many of my "friends" never reciprocated their friendship the way I've done for them.  I ended up getting hurt like this.  But then you see, by reducing my expectations significantly, I've learned how to "adapt" to the circumstances.

This is the reason why many people see me as a two-face.  A selfish manipulator.  A cruel prestidigitator.  I don't really mind.  I think those characteristics really fit my description.

In reality however, I am not being malevolent.  I am only acting like this because I want to be free.  Free from authority, free from superficiality, free from animosity.  How ironic, for I apparently possess all of these qualities.  But that's just opinion from delusional imbeciles who hold an irrational grudge on me.

How could I possibly be free though?  Does pursuing one's happiness guarantee freedom?  Would one have to relinquish his freedom for eternal happiness or sacrifice freedom for the sake of being happy?  I do not know how to answer these questions.  The only thing I can say is that I feel controlled and manipulated, and that I am nowhere near to being free.

I am going to work for my freedom though.  I am going to conform and endure manipulation.  I am going to play the jester and set everyone at ease so that they laugh at me instead of seeing me as an agitator.  They would think I am the idiot, the attention-deprived rascal, but in the long run, I will be the one to surpass all boundaries and fly away.  They would be the ones to stay and rot.  Goodbye, I am setting course for freedom.