The Kids Are Not Alright

Never felt so empty in my life.  There was music playing, uplifting, sonorous melodies swirling in the atmosphere...faces lit from glittering lights and the children, the dancing children.  Dancing and singing, more lights and more songs to enrich the occasion.  I should have been smiling.  I should have been singing.  I should have been dancing.

But I could not feel the music tonight.  My friends were enjoying themselves and I told myself  "Hey man, it's your night.  Let it all hang out!"  So I did.  At least I tried to.  I smiled and laughed and joked with the rest.

I like making people laugh.  I get enthralled when my friends giggle at my stupid jokes.  I feel an unexplainable joy when the room roars with laughter after I do something ridiculous.  But I'm not a clown.  People think I am, but I am not a clown.  I only act like one.

The clown's sole purpose is to humor people.  His personal convictions and emotions do not matter as long as he is funny.  So the clown puts on an everlasting smile, while his heart deteriorates slowly from his unspoken anxieties.  I am not like a clown.  I put on a smile, but my heart bulges with contempt instead of sadness.

In the cosmic sense, people's anxieities are completely irrelevant.  But we center our lives around our worries and become self-absorbed.  I'm one of the most self-absorbed people you will meet on this planet.  Yet, I berate other people for being selfish and apathetic.  Forgive me for my inconsistency.  I am only human.

But nonetheless, hurt is hurt.  And one knows when he is deeply hurt.  I don't know what got me tonight, but it was certainly a deep stab to the heart.  I can't quite explain.  The music was playing, children were dancing, people were laughing and loving one another.  I should have been happy.

When am I truly happy? Is it when I'm playing music?  Is it when I'm writing?  Or is it when I'm talking to the people who mean so much to me in my life? 

I don't know.  Come to think of it, I don't think people mean that much to me anymore.  I'm a void.  I don't feel anything.  I just suck in everything that solely benefits myself at the expense of hurting other people. 

Do I feel bad?  Yes...sometimes.  Not always.  As I've mentioned before, I tend to be inconsistent.  I'm the kind of person who would stuff a 10 dollar bill into a homeless man's can and then proceed to destroy the people who I love. 

But no one cares.  That's fine.  Apathy is a great protection.  If you don't care, it can't hurt you in anyway.  I care too much.  And I hate the word "care" with a passion, because to me, it sounds insincere and empty.  I'd rather have someone openly express his hatred for me right in my face than have him "care" about me for sometime, then stop caring about me all together. 

I must sound like a self-pitying bastard right now.  But everyone has a self-pitying bastard within them.  Whether it be the greatest man on Earth or the worthless beggar in the streets, we are all on the same boat.  We are all trash sometimes.

Although I smile, my eyes remain rigid with animosity.  Contempt is my best friend these days, and I've never loved to hate before.  Contempt is my protection against my fears.  It does not always work, for there are times when I wished that I've never been born at all. 

I don't want to listen to anyone anymore.  All the past advice and tips and bullshit that people pumped into me in the past few "exciting" years of my life have no right to exist in my soul.  Only I know what I know.  I'm going to make my future.  Only I can accomplish the grand task.  Hence, the beauty of ego rises far above the masses. 
To my self-absorbed, arrogant, insecure, superficial, and emotionally disturbed brehteren.  If there is hell below, we are all gonna go.  So keep on smiling and dancing and singing.  I will join in this time.

It's okay though.  It's fine.  That's how life goes for me.  It will get better hopefully, but really I'm fine.  I'm okay.  Guess it's better to turn this way than become another Pagliacci.

"Dad we are gonna be okay aren't we Dad?  Dad why won't you wake up?  Dad, there's singing...we are gonna be fine aren't we?  Don't worry we are gonna be fine...don't worry we are gonna be fine...don't worry we are gonna be fine.....Won't we?"